Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 December 2014

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"  

A business owner lamented...

A business owner lamented: "Advertising sure is effective. I listed an opening for a night watchman in the newspaper, and by the following morning my warehouse had been robbed!"

“What do you call it

“What do you call it when a bad-tempered old baker goes bankrupt? A curmudgeonly crumble.”

You know your getting older when...

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting 'lucky' means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

 A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Choirs and Hymns

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why.”
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
On Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the Pastor.
We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."
This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Today's Sermon: “How Much Can a Man Drink?” With hymns from a full choir.
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

China bans wordplay in attempt at pun control

China bans wordplay in attempt at pun control - Recently banned as subversive, wordplay in the China is the work of punarchists.

A preacher was walking down th

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

Birds of a feather flock toget

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dogrun to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at theright time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by thenyour body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy areplacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind toblame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he'sreally in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look forit. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinklesdon't hurt.
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Ice Fishing

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?

A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Quickie

Q: What do you call a one-man quickie?

A: A yankee.

Q: What do you call a rabbit...

Q: What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
A: Bugs bunny.

Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Chuck Norris once shot an enem...

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

Better Than Botox?

Q. What's the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabee

Mike Birbiglia: Illiterate People

I shouldnt say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.