During a recent vacation in LaDuring a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man yelled out, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my wife!"
“What top does an ast
“What top does an astronaut wear to the moon? Apollo shirt.”
Funny video of the day - Top Fails Breakdown || Willuminati Confirmed
Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!
9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays.
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.
3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?
1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus
It's all in the punctuation:<It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
Husband and his wife were celeHusband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
Find a famous person
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back.
Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Stan is seconds away from receStan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."
Play a Game
One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it.
The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees."
A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.
Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook!
The teacher said correct.
Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?"
The teacher said yes.
He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it."
The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!"
Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"
How does a tree get pregnant?
By a woodpecker!
Disney Cruise Delays
The Top 10 Reasons Disney Delayed Launching Their Cruise Line
- Pluto's "accident" on Deck 3
- Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
- Exterminator killed off "rat" problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie's cousins.
- Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
- Charo kept showing up.
- The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast" kept eating the midnight buffet.
- The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the "You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride" Requirements.
- Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmations was too strong.
- Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
- New hires Doc,Isaac,and Gopher quit days before launch,citing that this job is not as "exciting and new" as their last one.
A Birthday Wish
Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.
Surfing The Internet
Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright
the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face
so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit
I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died
"simply unpredictable these
computers are!" I cried
"So we'll get you a new one
a computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder
when the new one acts the same?