A man went to an upscale Manha...A man went to an upscale Manhattan restaurant and ordered soup du jour. When the waitress brought it out, he exclaimed, "What is this?"
The waitress said, "Why, it's bean soup."
The man said, "I don't care what it has been, what is it now?"
Funny video of the day - Soapbox Race Crash Causes Pile Up | Rough Start
Q: What is the lightest thing...Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?
A: A penis because just a thought can lift it.
A friend of mine tri...
“A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.”
Before going to Europe on busi...Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
A 97 year old man goes into hi...A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex driveis all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I wantit lowered!"
FLEX WORDLEGuess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
The avid golfer
Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to Bill in a few days.
After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?"
"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.
"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium.
"And the bad news?" asked Bill.
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning."
Mom Would Never Say
Things Mom Would Never Say
- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
- "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
- "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
- "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
- "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's
washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.
Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever
hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,
start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so
I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is
that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go
into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,
take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still
manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya
those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am
required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this
is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the
toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked
toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,
but because you and I have become such good friends and you
think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you
because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be
understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds
with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that
thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,
if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat
covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So
that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat
and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the
guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get
the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You
jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's
just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning
situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.
She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,
and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you
are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the
toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top
of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it
runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching
fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman
position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal
of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but
it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally
to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just
get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a
New bull at farm
Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.
The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."
The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows."
The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!"
About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes.
The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it."
The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
Last night, it was so cold
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Johnny Carson (1925-2005)
Reincarnation SurpriseThere were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
Horse back ridingA blonde goes horse back riding.
It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.
The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.
The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.
She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.
Three Nurses TricksThree nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.
The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.
The third nurse fainted.
Demetri Martin: Futon WorldTheres a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
Paint my houseA man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."