“Why are you enjoying
“Why are you enjoying life while eating hotdogs? Because you're relishing the moment.”
How old is a flower? I canRHow old is a flower? I can't tell. Is it adult orchid?
At New York's Kennedy airportAt New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered tobe a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while inpossession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and acalculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez saidhe believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. Heis being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire averagesolutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a searchof absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer tothemselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to acommon denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God hadwanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would havegiven us more fingers and toes".
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely.
Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
Knock Knock Collection 096
Isaac coming out?
Isabella out of order!
Isabelle necessary on a bicycle?
Isadore locked, I can't get in!
Isaiah again Knock Knock
A guy's on the electric chairA guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups.
The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"
The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)... could you please do something to scare me?"
MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B+C
Pete Holmes: Uncool in DreamsI cant seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and theyre like, In your dreams. Im like, No. Not even there.
Dirty PaddyAn Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.
Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.
'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'
Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.
'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'
'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'
'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'
Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.'
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."