Jokes of the day for Sunday, 13 November 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 13 November 2016
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1107)

A man was in a bar all day and

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Hearing aid...

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (12)

Funny video of the day - Cougar Mom Breastfeeds Teen

Cougar Mom Breastfeeds Teen - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

New Submarine Ensign

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

A lawyer died and arrived at t

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance intoHeaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarterto a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and aftera moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quiteenough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I alsogave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back toaffirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest wedo with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

“Are you a sleepy ske

“Are you a sleepy skeleton? Because you look bone tired.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Animated GIF - I guess we know who the kids get the clumsiness from...

I guess we know who the kids get the clumsiness from... - I guess we know who the kids get the clumsiness from... - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Watch For Fallen Rocks

Driving down a remote road, a motorist sees a sign that says: "Watch For Fallen Rocks."

A couple of miles of careful driving later, he spots some pebbles and stops to pick a few up. Arriving in the next town, the motorist carries the stones into the highway maintenance office.

Placing them on the counter, he says to an official: "Here are your fallen rocks. Now where's my watch?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

Find number abc

If c7a57 + ac7b2 = 812ab find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A man goes into a pet shop and...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 November 2009
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (49)

Jack & Leroy

Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, "Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."

Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit don't work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."

Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"

Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them."

Leroy says "Give me an example."

Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."

Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."

The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"

Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."

"And it didn't work?"

"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."

Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."

Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 November 2011
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (27)

God Gots Jokes

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Then he asks,"Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 November 2013
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (25)

Gifts For A Teacher

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 November 2011
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (24)

Chuck Norris beat Ray Charles ...

Chuck Norris beat Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder in a staring contest. At the same time.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 November 2011
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (18)

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