Jokes of the day for Monday, 14 August 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 14 August 2017
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1768)

Communication Chain

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at 'Mom' and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
'Don't worry,' she said, 'I'll take care of it.'
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was 'Mom.'
'Martin,' she said, 'you left your cell phone at the convenience store.'

 

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Psychiatrist to Banta: Do you

Psychiatrist to Banta: Do you ever hear someone speaking but you are not able to see them?
Banta: Yes.
Psychiatrist: When does this happen?
Banta: When I am speaking on the phone.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

“The leopard tried cr

“The leopard tried creeping up on the tigers using its camouflage but it was spotted.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

My mother’s sister was bitten by a snake. I will carefully suck the poison. That’s the antidote.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

1. A murderer is condemned to

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between threerooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full ofassassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions thathaven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water forover 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the wordsWednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quicklyyou can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinaryand plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact,nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it andthink about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if youwork at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Answers:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the Englishlanguage, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
How did you do?
#joke #friday
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

Beyond the Call of Duty

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Calculate the number 3125

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 3125 using numbers [6, 9, 4, 2, 57, 201] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

 Question And Answer Blond Jokes


Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

Ethiopian

What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? A show-off!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 August 2011
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (32)

Chuck Norris invented the bear...

Chuck Norris invented the beard.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 August 2011
  • Currently 2.14/10

Rating: 2.1/10 (28)

Three Wishes for Three Priests

Three priests died and came up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up the priests and informed them there had been a mistake; they were not supposed to die for another 10 years or so.
The priests were upset about this and asked St. Peter what could be done. St. Peter said that he would send them back to earth in any form they wanted until the problem was fixed.
St Peter asks the first priest, " What do you want to become?" and the first priest replies," I always wanted to be an eagle and see all of God's creation from above."
"Done." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the first priest disappears.
St. Peter asks the second priest, "What do you want to become?" and the second priest replies, "I always wanted to be a dolphin and see all of God's creation from under the sea."
"Done." St Peter snaps his fingers and the second priest disappears like the first.
St. Peter asks the third priest, "What do you want to become?"" and the third priest shyly says, ""Well... my wish is kind of sinful."
"No matter. You can choose any form you want." St. Peter says and the third priest replies, "Well, I always wanted to be a...stud, you know?"
St .Peter replies, "I don't see a problem with that." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the third priest disappears.
Later, Jesus asked St. Peter, " I heard there was a problem with three priests being here before their time. Where are they?"
St. Peter explained, "One is soaring high above the Grand Canyon. The second is swimming in the North Atlantic. The third is on the left rear tire of a Chevy Blazer."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 14 August 2009
  • Currently 4.07/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (27)

I get so drunk that I imagine things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 14 August 2009
  • Currently 4.91/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (23)

Greg Giraldo: Dodgeball Skills

Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination aint your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, I better hit the books because this is not working out.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 August 2010
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (15)

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