A nervous taxpayer was unhappiA nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."
“Did you hear about t
“Did you hear about the little girl who went upstairs to get some medicine? I think she's coming down with something.”
A young man called his motherA young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just metthe woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the cardinvite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came todinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing thedishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
Knock Knock Collection 004
Alaska my friend the question then!
Aida lot of sweets and now I've got tummy ache!
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Q: Where do sheep get thei
Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A: At the baa baa shop!
MATH PUZZLE: Can you replace...
Things sure have changed...
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
The Sklar Brothers: Aggressive AdvertisingJason Sklar: It was the most aggressive advertisement weve ever seen. It was a bus bench ad advertising bus bench ads.
Randy Sklar: It was like the M.C. Escher of advertising
Answering Machine Message 251
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Chelsea Peretti: Getting AttackedI always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy whod just be like, Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.
School ReportOur 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.
“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.
I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.
Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”
Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes
HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.