Do pro-choice advocates worryDo pro-choice advocates worry about nuclear proliferation?
Billy Bob started a new constrBilly Bob started a new construction job on a Tuesday, worked the rest of the week and on the following Monday morning, calls his foreman. "Boss, I'm not gonna make it in today...I'm sick."
He shows up Tuesday morning, works the rest of the week and the following Monday, sure enough, he calls the foreman. "Boss, not gonna make it today...I'm sick."
The foreman calls him into his office Tuesday morning, sits him down and says, "Billy, this calling in on Mondays has to stop. You're a good worker and I don't want to fire you. Is there something wrong? Drugs, Alcohol?"
Billy Bob replies, "No, sir. I don't drink or do drugs, but my brother in law does. He gets drunk and beats my sister around. Monday mornings, I visit her, comfort her and then we have sex."
The foreman's jaw drops and he asks "Billy, did I hear you right? You're having sex with your sister?"
Billy Bob replies, "I told you I was sick."
The Top Ten Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-mail Account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
The Walrus Band
Did you hear about the four walruses who decided to form a rock band?
They have just completed their album and their first single is called, 'I Am The Beatle'.
Some people grow old gracefullSome people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am"?
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"
Life's questions...After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Or cat-flavored dog food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
What a winning combination?
Dear Employees...Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,Human Resources
An insurance agent's wife was ...An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed. "What should I do?" she cried. "Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."
A Russian party-official arriv...A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:
"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:
"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"