Popular jokes (46 to 60)

10 yo-yo jokes to celebrate National yo-yo day

1. Why don't yo-yos make good friends?
- Because they always let you down!

2. What did the yo-yo say to the tightrope?
- "Now, that's what I call a string walk!"

3. How do yo-yos cheer each other up?
- They say, "Hang in there, it'll be an up and down ride!"

4. Why was the yo-yo so good at making decisions?
- It always knew how to go back and forth!

5. Why don't yo-yos work in zero gravity?
- They can't deal with the ups and downs!

6. What did the yo-yo say to the super glue?
- "I need someone who won't let go!"

7. Why was the yo-yo the life of the party?
- Because it always knew how to unwind!

8. How did the yo-yo become a successful motivational speaker?
- It always knew how to bounce back!

9. What do yo-yos say when they introduce themselves?
- "I’m not as up-tight as I appear!"

10. Why was the yo-yo accused of being a spy?
- Because it always goes undercover!

Bored on the train

Three men and a young woman are travelling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.

The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.

The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.

The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”

Original joke found on https://boards.fool.com posted on July 5th 2000, posted by gwgross, versions with more details could be found a bit later

Merry Christmas! Jokes To Lighten Up Christmas Mood

Multi-colored lights are the Crocs of Christmas lights.
Frank Lowe @GayAtHomeDad

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there's myrrh.

What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause.

What song does Beyonce like to perform during the holidays?
All the Jingle Ladies.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow time to waste. It's almost Christmas!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for Christmas cookies!

Merry Christmas! Lot more Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday

Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day.

I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!

My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.

Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.

Hump Day Humor: Fresh Jokes to Get You Over the Week

Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
But other times I let her sleep in!

What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.

I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar.

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
Broco Lee.

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!

When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.
The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"
The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."
I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."

Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
We changed it in the 9th century.
You mean you changed it TO 'Latrine?'
Yeah. Used to be 'Shithouse.'

Phone Issues

I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..."
Why do they have to announce that?
I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?

Perks of being over 55

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Slice of Life

Diner: "Pardon me, waiter, but what kind of pie it is?"
Waiter: "What does it taste like?"
Diner: "I don't know."
Waiter: "Then what's the difference?"

Counting sheep

The sheep dog says to the farmer, “Here are your 20 sheep.”

The farmer says, “but I only have 17 sheep.”

“I know,” says the sheep dog, “I rounded them up.”

Countdown to Friday: 7 Fresh Jokes to Lighten Your Week

A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach.
"You know that won't help you lose weight," she says.
"I know that," says the husband.
"But it will help me see the numbers."

A pianist goes into a bar that he wasn't there for 3 years
The pianist goes to the piano and starts to play: do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la...
just like that for an hour,
after he finishes, the bartender asks him:
what the heck did you play us now?
The pianist said:
"long time no si"

What begins with E and ends in E but only has one letter?
Envelope.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.noziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...
Well my doctor always calls me patient.

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.

Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.

Cowabunga Jake

I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse...
... I named them Jake from Steak Farm.

Holding onto the saddle horn

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when hercar broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her aride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rodeoff.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would letout a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surroundinghills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-stationattendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on thehorse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so Iwouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

Talking Dog for Sale

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

No seat on train

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.
He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”.
The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” .
The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks back up to the lady and says “please, ma’am, may I have your seat. I am very tired.” .
The woman says “how inconsiderate of you to ask me again” the man then calmly walks up and throws the dog out of the train window and sits dow. The woman starts screaming and demanding that the man be punished
, her husband walks up and says “you Americans are doing everything wrong
you drive on the wrong side of the road
you use the wrong utensils to eat,
and now
you’ve thrown the wrong bit** out of the window.”

A Bag of Air

I bought a bag of air today…
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.