Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 05 May 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 05 May 2009
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (82)

Q: Why did yo...

Q: Why did your ex decide to take a bath?


A: Because they wanted to be a Kleenex!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

I've used up all my sick days,...

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

What's the difference between ...

What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
The blonde works in the dark!
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

New Lingo for an Old Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (9)

Rejecting Pick-up Lines...

Rejecting Pick-up Lines

Guy: "Haven't we met before?"
Gal: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Guy: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Gal: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Guy: "Want to Dance?"
Gal: "No, thank you."
Guy: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Guy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Gal: "It's in the phone book."
Guy: "But I don't know your name."
Gal: That's in the phone book too.

Guy: "So what do you do for a living?"
Gal: "Female impersonator."

Guy: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Gal: "Unfertilized, go away!"

A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

Two young dudes are striding down the street and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistak

Gal:"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

One day, a wife goes up to her...

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat.

"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods.

The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt.

"See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Find number abc

If 68b10 - c6a78 = 4c1ac find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Business One-liners 125


Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.
Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.
SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

The Perfect Poem...

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea;
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please to no;
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (8)

chronic migraine

This guy gets these chronic migraine headaches. One day he sees a doctor about his problem.

The doctor gives him a thorough examination and says, "I can cure your headaches, but I'll have to cut your balls off to do it."

At first the man is horrified at this idea, but the headaches keep getting worse and worse. He can't work or sleep, his sex life is nonexistent, and he's generally miserable. Finally, he goes back to the doctor and says, "I don't care anymore, cut them off. Just get rid of these damned headaches!

The doctor performs the operation, and immediately the headaches go away.

The guy is relatively happy, now. He may not have a sex life, but he figures this is price he has to pay for a life without pain. One day, he decides to get himself a new wardrobe. He goes to this nice new men's shop downtown.

As soon as he walks in the door, the clerk looks carefully at him and says, "You wear a 44 long jacket, don't you?" The guy says, "Yeah, how did you know?"

"It's in the eye," says the clerk. "Your neck is seventeen and one quarter inches, but given your build, medium shirt sleeves should work."

"That is incredible!" the guy says. "Hmm... and you wear a 36 large jockstrap."

"Ah hah! You're wrong," the guy says gleefully. "I wear a 32 small jockstrap."

"No, you have to wear a 36 large," says the clerk.

"Look, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I wear a 32 small."

That's impossible," says the confused clerk. "A 32 small jockstrap would pinch your balls and give you migraine headaches."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Tom Papa: Hard Liquor Stories

Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. Its like, You want some tequila? No, dude, the last time I had that.... It doesnt happen with anything else. Do you want some jelly beans? No. The last time I had jelly beans, I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the mall. Seriously, dude, I cant even smell the black ones. Just get them out of here.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

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