JOKES OF THE DAY

The doctor gives him a thorough examination and says, "I can cure your headaches, but I'll have to cut your balls off to do it."

At first the man is horrified at this idea, but the headaches keep getting worse and worse. He can't work or sleep, his sex life is nonexistent, and he's generally miserable. Finally, he goes back to the doctor and says, "I don't care anymore, cut them off. Just get rid of these damned headaches!

The doctor performs the operation, and immediately the headaches go away.

The guy is relatively happy, now. He may not have a sex life, but he figures this is price he has to pay for a life without pain. One day, he decides to get himself a new wardrobe. He goes to this nice new men's shop downtown.

As soon as he walks in the door, the clerk looks carefully at him and says, "You wear a 44 long jacket, don't you?" The guy says, "Yeah, how did you know?"

"It's in the eye," says the clerk. "Your neck is seventeen and one quarter inches, but given your build, medium shirt sleeves should work."

"That is incredible!" the guy says. "Hmm... and you wear a 36 large jockstrap."

"Ah hah! You're wrong," the guy says gleefully. "I wear a 32 small jockstrap."

"No, you have to wear a 36 large," says the clerk.

"Look, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I wear a 32 small."

That's impossible," says the confused clerk. "A 32 small jockstrap would pinch your balls and give you migraine headaches."

Guy: "Haven't we met before?"
Gal: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Guy: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Gal: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Guy: "Want to Dance?"
Gal: "No, thank you."
Guy: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Guy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Gal: "It's in the phone book."
Guy: "But I don't know your name."
Gal: That's in the phone book too.

Guy: "So what do you do for a living?"
Gal: "Female impersonator."

Guy: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Gal: "Unfertilized, go away!"

A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

Two young dudes are striding down the street and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistak

Gal:"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"