Teacher: Now, Sam, tell m...Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"
Funny video of the day - Christmas Mix #3 - Americas Funniest Home Videos 2011
I'm thinking of buying a...I'm thinking of buying a cat. I've heard cats can be finicky. In fact, the pet store said that the cat that I want only eats religiously consecrated fish — from the superorder elopomorpha. Pretty weird. So… when I get that feline, I need sectual eelings?
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me fra...Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
The Priest and the Politician
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
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Two guys in an office talking ...Two guys in an office talking at the water cooler and the subject of death comes up.
"When its my time, I wanna go in bed with a beautiful woman," says the first guy.
The other guy shakes his head. "Not me, I want go in my sleep like my grandfather."
He finishes. "Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car."
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.
I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly-scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers for you."
"That's all right, Lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
River of GodA southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With
great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in
the world, I'd
take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he
then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the
SiblingsA Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Lewis Black: Christian CalendarChristians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you dont care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. Its unbelievable! How long does it take you people to shop? Its beyond belief. Its insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasnt poking his ass into it!
What does the starship enterpr...What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.
A college student picked up hi...A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
A little girl is sitting on he...A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
A Moral Question
One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
Horse AuctionLittle Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."