Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 August 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 09 August 2013
  • Currently 9.49/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (57)

Funny jokes-Diet plan

My wife is overweight and has taken up a diet plan. Though I try and avoid desserts myself, I could not resist an ice-cream I saw in the refrigerator on a Sunday evening.
My wife retorted, "You know what is the most difficult part of my diet plan? It is not watching what I eat, it's watching what you eat."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

“It's tough to know e...

“It's tough to know exactly what some philosophers looked like. Sometimes the only way might be to ex-Hume them.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Funny video of the day - How Not to Transport a Washing Machine

How Not to Transport a Washing Machine - If you need someone to move your washing machine – don’t call these two girls. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (5)

Cross-eyed dog...

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.57/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (7)

Ponderings Collection 42


If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Toilet paper skirt

Toilet paper skirt - Will it make you buy more or less toilet paper? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Brigham Young

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously, she says -

Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"

Brigham Young: "I am."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

Chicken on the Football Field

Why did the chicken run onto the football field?

Because the umpire called a foul.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (14)

What a winning combination?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Special gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (11)

When Chuck Norris was born, th...

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 July 2011
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

Building Security has notified...

Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 November 2009
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (10)

Chuck Norris once ordered a st...

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 3.11/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (36)

Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts Curriculum

Heres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (32)

Faster than a speeding bullet....

Faster than a speeding bullet...more powerful than a locomotive...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 2.72/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (32)

A guy was driving when a polic...

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" 
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 August 2010
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (28)

A collection of insults!

If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!

You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?

You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

Eventually, you will get what you asked for.

Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!

You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 3.70/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (10)

PREVIOUS DAY
NEXT DAY
Follow jokes of the day on social networks
NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.

Jokes Archive