Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 25 December 2013 |
Breaking The Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."
What Santa taught me about Life
- Encourage people to believe in you.
- Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
- Don't pout.
- It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
- Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.
- Make your presents known.
- Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
- Bright red can make anyone look good.
- Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.
- If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.
- Whenever you're at a loss for words, say: "HO, HO, HO!"
Funny video of the day - Ultimate Fails Compilation 2013 || Best Fails of the Year!
Business One-liners 34
Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. - James Anders Honeycutt
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
Take this job and shove it.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance
Battery power
A Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store."If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
Donkeys at Christmas
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.
Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.A Blonde walks into a Restarau...
A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."
An Israeli doctor says...
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.Meals in Heaven
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away,the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,
and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell
and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,
pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry,
and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of
tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed
a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and
chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to
be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this
is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the
Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two
people, does it pay to cook?"
Chuck Norris doesn't fly throu...
Chuck Norris doesn't fly through the air, the air moves out of his way.Anagrams
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em
Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's
A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
Charge By The Inch
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
Suicide Blond
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, 'Shut up... you're next.'
A man was in a terrible accide...
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."