Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 06 May 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 06 May 2015
  • Currently 9.58/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (96)

A man is walking from the lake...

A man is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the game warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don?t believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me how they jump out the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What fish?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

“Teaching your slinky

“Teaching your slinky new tricks is like spring training.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - The thug life chose me

The thug life chose me - http://hijosh.com // i like to throw things into other things - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Lawyers in the produce industr

Lawyers in the produce industry have a turnip-client privilege. So do the advocados.
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Dilbert's Salary Theorem stat

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (14)

Funny Photo of the day - Rest place for car

Rest place for car - When your car is really tired! | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Deserted island

Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.

One day, his committment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.

April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"

"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.

April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."

April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"

Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

 A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.


Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
CPU is always in powersave mode.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cunning as a dodo bird.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

What a winning combination?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Dumb Blond

There was two dumb blonds that was walking down the street and they find a mirror and one of them picks it up and looks in it and says that face looks familiar. then the other blond takes it from her and says duh its me.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Name That Flower

Q: What is the name of the flower you find between your nose and your chin?

A: Tulips.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Not Afraid

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

If athletes get athletes foot,

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 March 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Dating a Nun

Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeerLover
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 December 2014
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Building Security has notified...

Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 November 2009
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (10)

Morality

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 May 2011
  • Currently 4.32/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (37)

Team Spirit

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 May 2013
  • Currently 7.64/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (28)

A couple pulled into the drive...

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 06 May 2010
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (27)

There are no races, only count...

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 May 2011
  • Currently 2.71/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (24)

Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 May 2011
  • Currently 2.93/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (15)

Jokes Archive

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