Best New JokesThe best jokes in the last four weeks. Top 25 jokes rated by site visitors. |
Service Memorial
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
Strangers In The Night
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."
Enter a Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N.... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Six Side-Splitting Jokes: From Balloon Blunders to Comma Catastrophes
My wife and her sister fell out on a holiday trip…
The rest of the balloon flight was, however, peaceful!
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to n*dist party
I said, "I was born ready"
A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference For instance,
“Let’s eat, Frank.”
has a completely different meaning from
“Frank is in a coma.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
But I will recover
My best friend loves Batman. So I said to him after our 6th beer: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Him (rolling his eyes): “Go on, then.”
So I growl: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Him: “That’s Superman.”
Me: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
1.7% of Americans over the age of 30 are married to their 3rd cousin. Not sure why they didn't figure it out after they married their first two cousins.
My Loving Dog Mace
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.
As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
Suit Yourself
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
UK Trip Results
After a vacation in London, a couple had a little chat...
Husband: How should I get rid of the British Pounds I brought back?
Wife: Take them to a bank and covert them to dollars.
Husband: I'm not sure they'll do that. I think I just need to eat less and walk more.
Bloody Brilliant Dracula Jokes for World Dracula Day
May 26th is World Dracula Day—sink your teeth into these bloody good jokes that’ll leave you howling with laughter (just not under a full moon)!
I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.
However, there are only 2 employees so I have to make every second count.
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
I heard Dracula has started selling NSFW content...
He's started an OnlyFangs.
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
Why was Dracula a bad CEO?
He was always avoiding the stakeholders.
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.
The strongest one started 1st,
"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"
Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"
Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
2 vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first "what'll be?"
To which the vampire replies "ahh, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary."
The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, "What I can do for you?"
The second vampire replies, "I'll just have a cup of hot water"
Both the bartender and the first vampire look at him quizzically, "why do you want hot water?"
He then pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, "oh! I making tea."
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month!
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
My phlebotomist told me a Dracula joke, to calm me down...
I asked if she knew any other jokes in the same vein.
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, "Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!"
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
Dracula was on one of those DIY TV programmes recently.
His castle was getting a revamp.
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
I had to end my friendship with Dracula.
He was a pain in the neck.
🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻🧛🏻
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Spring Cleaning
I'm not a fan of spring cleaning.
Let's be honest, I'm not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either.
Wool Socks
Why did the woman give her fiance wool socks?
She didn't want him to get cold feet.
