What a Pretty NecklaceA tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a roadside gift shop. "What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that alligator's teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
On New Year's Eve, a lady stoo...On New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Friday, 01 January 2010
New Years Resolutions You Can Acheive #jokeAttainable New Year's Resolutions
This year, I resolve to...
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Not have eight children at once.
- Get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back disco.
- Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
- Not eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more toys.
- Get further in debt.
- Not believe politicians.
- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
- Associate with even worse business clients.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year's resolutions again.
A guy is sitting at a bar ...
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Some of those pedophile priest...Some of those pedophile priests must have misunderstood the pope's orders: anul sects.
This guy was serving a li...
This guy was serving a life sentence in solitary and he was about to go out of his mind, so one day he saw this little ant crawling across the floor. He thought I got the rest of my life, so I could train this little ant, at the same time give me something to do and relieve the stress.
So he started teaching the little ant. Many years went by and with the help of courses and lessons he had got in the mail he taught the little ant all about law. The little ant got so good at his new trade that he got the man freed. When the papers heard his story they went wild. When he left the prison a bunch of scientist met him at the gate.
He carried the little ant in a match box in his shirt pocket. He showed him to the scientist.
They offered him thousands of dollars for the little ant, to use in their research. But he refused them saying “this little ant and I have been together for so long I could not part with him, it was he that got me out of prison"
So they started on their way. "What would you like to do?" asked the man. “I would like to go to a bar like you told me so much about" answered the little ant. So off they went to find a bar. In the bar the man started drinking and would give the little ant a drop from time to time.
So feeling good he started pestering the bartender.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked the bartender, “No, I don't" said the bartender"
"I'm the man the papers have been writing so much about."
"Still don't know you" said the bartender and off he went.
So he took the little ant out of the box and sat him on the bar.
Calling the bartender over he said "You see that little ant there on the bar?” “I sure do," and with his thumb the bartender squashed the little and said "How the hell he got in here, I just exterminated the place yesterday!
Calculate the number 4109
Deer CampThe guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with Bob the whole time, so they voted to take turns sharing the room with Bob.
The first guy to sleep in the same room with Bob came to breakfast the next morning with his hair in a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other guys said, "Man, what happened to you?
Their exhausted co-camper said, "Bob snored so loudly, I gave up trying to sleep and just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. The man came to the breakfast table with his hair standing up, and eyes completely bloodshot.
Again his friends asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He replied: 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
His friends couldn't believe it. Flabbergasted they asked, "What happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched ME all night."
A Bumpy Ride
Tickle Nhat Hahn: Flying in a plane can be a bumpy ride, even while taxiing on the ground. But it's not the pilot's fault. It's not the airline's fault. It's the asphalt.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Steven Wright 18I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."
Signs You Have a Hangover
- Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.
- Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to stay still.
- Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
- Youd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
- You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
- You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
- The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, Step right up and give it whirl!
- All day long your motto is, Never again.
- You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
- Your natural response to Good morning, is Shut up!
What is a ghost's favo...What is a ghost's favourite food?
Problem With Women"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"
Hillary Clinton goes to a new ...Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself 'How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?' After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.
Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
She says "What?"
He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."
She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"
He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Where should a dressmaker buil...Where should a dressmaker build her house?
On the outskirts.
The Gremlin, Abbey Terrace
Give me two hot dogs.
One wi... Give me two hot dogs.
One with mustard and one without."
"Which one without?"