Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 July 2010
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 July 2010 |
Bulletin Bloopers
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
An elderly gentleman...
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!'
#joke #doctor
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!'
Chicken legs...
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.
He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.
The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.
The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."
"How do they tasted?" asked the man.
"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."
An Orgasmic Problem
A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"
Senior Guessing
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!”
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”
Goldfish burial
Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed. "And I've just buried him."
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: "That's because he's inside your cat."
Are Blind Pilots Flying?
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Grandpa and Grandpa...
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
Cowabunga Jake
I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse...
... I named them Jake from Steak Farm.
When Life Gives You Lemons
When life gives you lemons make grape juice. Then sit back and watch as the world wonders how you did it. ~ Author Unknown
Submitter Name: Tessa
Don't Step on the Ducks
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" Deserted island
Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.
One day, his committment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.
April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"
"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.
April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"
"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."
April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"
Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"
