Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 April 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 13 April 2011 |
The great detetective
The two men pushed through the half-open door and stepped out of the foggy London streets and into the brightly-lit entryway of the silent house. There was no indication of a struggle. Everything was neat and in its proper place. They moved silently down the hall, scrutinizing the sitting room, the dining room and the office. Nothing caught the eye of the great detective.
At last they came to the darkened kitchen. Not a sound was heard except a horse and carriage moving past the window at the far end of the room. Light from a gas lamp outside that window poured into a rectangle in the middle of the floor. There it was, perfectly placed in the middle of the yellow box of light: an overturned box of cornstarch.
“Aha, Watson,” said Holmes, “the plot thickens.”
The mime who broke his silence...
The mime who broke his silence was punished with maxi mum jailtime.During my earlier career days,...
During my earlier career days, offices recorded attendance in book registers and we had pay cuts for being late more than 4 times a month and the update was under control of the receptionist. On one occasion, our boss appreciated & commended a colleague of mine for drastic improvement for on time attendance, surprisingly just after he moved to a far away home location. My colleague’s instant reaction to my boss was “Sir the receptionist is coming late to the office"Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Country Politics
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Same Songs Again?
The church service was over. The pastor stood at the door shaking hands with the people as he left. A woman shook his hand and said, “You know what? I don’t think I’ll come back anymore. Every time I come, either you sing ‘He Arose’ or ‘Silent Night, Holy Night.’
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
A patron ordered a Manhattan. ...
A patron ordered a Manhattan. When it was served there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass."What in the world is this?" asked the man.
The bartender peered into the glass and replied, "That's Central Park."
Soap and water...
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
Lightbulb Joke Collection 34
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Question and answer
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.She sells C shells by the seashore.
Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
A: You get a short circut.
Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch: Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
Anthony Jeselnik: Better Man
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend. A man goes into a pet shop and...
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
A blonde was driving down the ...
A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.The tree is still nfront of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her. The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.
Finding Jesus
An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Oh, yeah?
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
Wanda Sykes: Tiger Woods
As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament. Oh, OK -- 50/50: hes 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, Im flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, Tiger Woods is a quarter black, and Im like, Damn, hes down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? Theyre treating him like hes milk. A woman complained to her vete...
A woman complained to her veterinarian that her dog would start humping her every time he came into the house. "Is there anything you can do?" she asked.The doctor said, "Well, we could castrate him, and then he would no longer have a sex drive."
The woman replies, "That seems awfully harsh. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his breath?"
The children had all been phot...
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."