Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 August 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 26 August 2011
  • Currently 9.60/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (94)

Demetri Martin: Naming Foods

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. What are these? Those are orange: oranges. What about these? Oh, sh*t. Long pointies? Well go by shape now?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (37)

A man was in a hurry to meet h...

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake.

On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich.

He continued down the highway and was yet, again, pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke.

He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again, he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leaned out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?"

"Registration and license please" came the reply.
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Classic Fail Compilation

Classic Fail Compilation - The best fails from the past in one single compilation. The biggest idiots we have ever seen on the internet. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.73/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (11)

Chuck Norris invented american...

Chuck Norris invented american flag pants.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.92/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (12)

Really funny jokes-Stupid Bank robber

In Bowie, Maryland USA, a robber entered a bank and gave a teller a note demanding cash. After his demand was honoured, he fled. Upon returning home, he was amazed to find the police waiting for him. It appears he had written the note on the back of his bank deposit slip.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - When you drink

When you drink - Make sure you can wake up when people write on you | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.48/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (21)

Dating again

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. “I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me.”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

Nothing scares me like the air...

Nothing scares me like the air. It's my utmost fear.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

CINEMANIA: Guess the movie title

See negative of movie scene and guess the title. Length of words in solution: 12
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A man was in a hurry to meet h...

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" "Registration and license please" came the reply.
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (7)

This guy goes to a costume par...

This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.

"What the heck are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail" says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back" replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

Answering Machine Message 87


Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter": Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (9)

Blonde Light

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Put a flashlight in her ear.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.04/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (27)

Pay for the Food

There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”

The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.69/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (29)

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses

Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better.
This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: “Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.”
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
“I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.”
On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.”
Church sign: “Jesus Saves!” Safeway sign across the street: “Safeway saves you more!”
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 20 February 2010
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (10)

A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 January 2010
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (72)

What Did You Learn?

Susie came home from her first day at school.

Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"

"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 September 2008
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Tig: Where Would You Go?

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and hes hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And I was like, Anywhere? He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 August 2010
  • Currently 5.78/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (37)

How Many Witches. . .

Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Into what?

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 26 August 2009
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (14)

Cowboy in Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him."So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 August 2010
  • Currently 5.23/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (13)

Liberty Bell

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 August 2010
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (12)

Confucius say: Woman wear thr...

Confucius say: Woman wear three kinds of ring . . . the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffeRing.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 August 2008
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (10)

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