Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 September 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 07 September 2011
  • Currently 9.70/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (115)

1. Another flight attendant's ...

1. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

2. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

3. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (8)

Chuck Norris can stop mid-snee...

Chuck Norris can stop mid-sneeze...with his eyes open.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 2.29/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (28)

Funny video of the day - going to the store

going to the store - normal guy normal walk. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (11)

Really funny jokes-You know you are living in 2011

You know you are living in 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

Theater Kiss

After John had purchased movie tickets for himself and his girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while he got some popcorn. By the time he was served, the previews were being shown and the theater was dark. John
stumbled his way through the dark, sat down and gave his girlfriend a kiss.

Then he heard a familiar voice say, “John, I'm back here.”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 5.10/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (10)

Funny Photo of the day - WARNING!

WARNING! | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (9)

Buy a winnebagoron...

Buy a winnebago. You have muffin to lose. People might think you're cookie, but donut listen.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (6)

Two drunken men were driving h...

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Which is a winning combination of digits?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Homework help...

Dad, will you help me with my homework?"

"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."

"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (8)

Hunter Shot By Fox

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated Press
A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.
Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.
Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (24)

Rory Albanese: Kids With ADD

Follow this sentence: children who cant pay attention are considered to have a disorder. Children who cant pay attention? I dont know, he just wont focus. He could be seven. That could be the issue.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.46/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (28)

Two Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.16/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (31)

Morality

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 May 2011
  • Currently 4.32/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (37)

Barbie's Letter To Santa...

Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie
#joke #doctor #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 June 2009
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Daniel Tosh: Saw Myself Naked

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago -- thats not the joke, thats what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, Holy cow, Im The White Man. Ive heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 September 2010
  • Currently 2.84/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (32)

Q. What's the diffrence betwee...

Q. What's the diffrence between preachers and Christmas trees?
A. They both have balls but just for decoration.
#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 September 2009
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (12)

Blonde Fired from the M&M Factory

Q: Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?

A: She was throwing away the W's & E's

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 September 2010
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (12)

Sex is like money...

Sex is like money:
When you've got it, you don't think of it;
when you haven't any, you think of nothing else.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 September 2008
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (11)

Many Hands


A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."

"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 September 2008
  • Currently 5.91/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (11)

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