Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 01 January 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 01 January 2014 |
“When asked what it t...
“When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.”
Really funny jokes-Catchy tune
Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see."
A while later Mike returned and said to Dara, "It's one I don't know, it's called 'The Refrain from Spitting'."
Parrot wih an attitude...
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.
For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Chuck Norris will be the star ...
Chuck Norris will be the star lead in the remake of the movie "300" it will now be called "1"Toilet Hygiene
Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lorne's penis was twisted like a corkscrew."Wow," Gary said.
"I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?"
Lorne said.
"All twisted like a corkscrew," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?"
Lorne said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Lorne said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?"
asked Lorne.
"Shaking off the excess drops," replied Gary.
"Like normal."
"Cripes," Lorne said.
"And all these years I've been wringing it."
Bad Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Christian One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
A guy is sitting at a bar ...
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Chuck Norris' credit cards hav...
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.Chad Daniels: Genetic Advancements
I cant wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex. Some of those pedophile priest...
Some of those pedophile priests must have misunderstood the pope's orders: anul sects.On Each Bicep
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep...
She is infringing on my right to bear arms!
A little hard of hearing!
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
A Sunday school teacher asked...
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." Silence
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused,
"What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
