Jokes of the day for Friday, 12 September 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 12 September 2014 |
Cooking class...
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contempleted the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because, she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts!"
A man escapes from prison wher...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"“Global warming campa...
“Global warming campaigners lament the invention of the infernal combustion engine.”
Do You Drink?
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting.
Vertically-fornicated mind.
Views mold as a higher life form.
Warranty expired.
Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
Was born when the planets were misaligned.
Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.
Saddam & Fred
How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?Both use to look out their windows and see Rubble.
Check the E-mail Address
A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.
The e-mail reads:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Try To Explain Women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Doc Steadman
Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio.""Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.
"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."
"Right again. But how'd you....."
"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."
"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.
"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used
Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. Ive never bought drugs and not used them. Right? Theyre not condoms. Signs Of Christmas
Toy ... Signs Of Christmas
Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”
At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.
A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
Upon arriving home, a husband...
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
17 Dad jokes and puns for Father's day
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day. Check out Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.
Cowboys hung lanterns from their saddles at night,
It's the first example of Saddle Light Navigation...
Prison may be just one word to you.
But to others, it’s a whole sentence
Why did the kids think a blanket was the perfect Father's Day gift?
They thought dad was the coolest.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
How do dads like their steak on Father's Day?
On a plate.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
It lost its filling.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Did I tell you I ordered both a chicken and an egg from Amazon?
I'll let you know.
Did I tell you I dreamt about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night?
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
You know why you should avoid the new Lego store when it opens tomorrow?
People will be lined up for blocks. I don't have a dad bod.
It's a father figure.
There's something about those trees I just don't trust.
They seem kind of shady.
My wife laughed when I said I could make a car out of macaroni.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!
I used to play piano by ear
but now I use my hands.
You did a grape job
raisin me, dad.
Dad, you're a real
fungi.
A couple was making their firs...
A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”