Jokes of the day for Friday, 06 February 2015
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 06 February 2015|
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people.
I should write it.
Political kingmakers mPolitical kingmakers make it reign.
Funny video of the day - Funny Mashup of a Cop Trying to Avoid Accidents While Singing ‘Shake It Off’
The teacher was warning the clThe teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going to in cold weather improperly dressed.
"There was one a boy," he said, "who was so eager to go out and play with his sled that he didn't put a coat or scarf on. He caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia... and he was sick for two weeks!"
The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a small voice asked, "What happened to the sled?"
“We are out of light
“We are out of light bulbs. Our home faces a dim outlook.”
"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise."
"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."
New Miranda Rights
1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!
I am a potato's favorite...
A musical director was havingA musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Water into Wine
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Q: What kind of fish does a dog catch?
A drunk staggers out of a barA drunk staggers out of a bar and lets go of a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door. The man yells at the drunk, "How dare you belch before this woman!" The drunk says, "I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go first."
Auto-correct walks into a bar...
Auto-correct walks into a bar
And the batman says, "why the log fence?"
If something about the human body disgusts you
If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.
Lenny Bruce (1925-1966)
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we willassume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need araise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need araise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be andtherefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. Ifyou are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are calledSaturdays & Sundays.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do fordead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to havenon-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rarecases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should bescheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to workthrough your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now astrict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stalldoor will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the"Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will besectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, sothat they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the timeneeded to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and inputshould be directed elsewhere.
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.
"I can't do the gas thing!” the man protested. “The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient said. "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
Fear of Flying
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.”
Knock Knock Collection 142
Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!
O'Shea that's a sad story!
Oslo down, whats the hurry!
Oswald my chewing gum!
Oswego marching, marching home ...!