Jokes of the day for Sunday, 03 June 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 03 June 2018 |
Little Johnny attended a horse
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?""Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
Joe passed away. His will prov
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
Scary Collection 39
A skeleton joke
What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?
He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on!
A werewolf joke
Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?
Anywhere he wants to!
A ghost joke
How do ghosts like their drinks?
Ice ghoul!
A skeleton joke
What's a skeleton's favorite pop group?
Boney M!
A vampire joke
Why do vampires like school dinners?
Because they know they won't get stake!
A skeleton joke
Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?
He was a numbskull!
A werewolf joke
I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooowwwww!
The Sin
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher.When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."The storm chaser was...
“The storm chaser was so fascinated by tornadoes that he tended to get carried away.”
The answer....
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's ...
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.Writing letters to son
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
You Might Be A Redneck If 50
You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Dan St. Germain: Video Game Nuptials
A friend of mine had a Super Mario Brothers-themed wedding two years ago. Then, a year after that, he had a regular-themed divorce.A mathematician, a physicist...
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given any tools they want, and have all the time they need. The mathematician uses a measuring tape to record the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume.
The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.000000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball and measures the displacement to six significant figures.
The engineer writes down the serial number of the ball and looks it up online.
Few people understand what it means to really be there for somebody
Few people understand what it means to really be there for somebody. And that’s the toughest part about being on a journey, you realize the main ones that said they will ride with you, are the first ones to fall off. People make promises when the sun is shining and make excuses when the storm comes. That’s why I am always thankful for the rain. It washes away the unnecessary. The reality is, you could be amazing, genuine and sincere but still be overlooked. Having a good thing is so hard because meeting a strong person is so rare. So I’ve learned to understand when people run from me, I realize my kind of love ain’t for everybody. identification
A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card. The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
A woman goes to Spain to atten...
A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "A Spanish girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - a Spanish girl!!"
"Oh, that," she said "Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!"
