Jokes of the day for Saturday, 03 August 2019

 Chemistry Song 11

Chemistry Wonderland
Gases explode, are you listenin'
In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
Gone away, is the buoyancy
Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
and decide if what's left is nitrate
My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"
Later on, as we calculate
the amount, of our nitrate
We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
walking in a chemistry wonderland.

Doctors On Strike

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike!
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.

“All of the riders fo

“All of the riders for the old west mail service had to be small. That’s why they called it the Puny Express.”

New Elements On The Periodi

New Elements On The Periodic Table
Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Your friend the computer

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word.

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows 'no new messages' and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to 'Netscape' before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say 'LOL, LOL'.

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

Law of Mechanical Repair: Afte

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated withgrease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to theleast accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directlyproportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never geta busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for workbecause you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flattire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the oneyou were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (worksevery time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, thetelephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone youknow increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that amachine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inverselyproportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthestfrom the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee iscold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a lockerroom, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jellysandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated tothe newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't knowwhat you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,they will stop making it.

A mother and her young son wer...

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

Donald Glover: Serious Black Candidate

When he was coming up, people were like, We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate. And then when he won, they were like, Our first multi-racial president. And I was like, Thats not fair. I mean, lets set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldnt yell, Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!

Pee in Church

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"

Number Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."

Strippers are often infertile.

Strippers are often infertile. The men are nudered and the women insist on being well-spayed.

Uncle Roy

My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25 cents apiece.
Everyone called him Quarter Roy.

Sweet Jeepsus!

Sweet Jeepsus!
I Drive a Christler!

A gentleman is preparing to bo...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”