Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 December 2019

“The gymnast's feat

“The gymnast's feat of jumping on asymmetrical bars remains unparalleled!”

A Bite On My Neck

Patient: Doctor I think I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this water.
Patient: Will this make me feel better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see leaks and know where the vampire bit you.

A man goes to see his bank man

A man goes to see his bank manager one day and says: "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?"
"That's simple," replies the bank manager. "All you have to do is buy a big one and wait."

Honest...

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

She leaned forward.

"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 Washington Crazy Law

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.

People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.

All lollipops are banned.

You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks. The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that "no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.

It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

You are not allowed to breast feed in public.

When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."

Auburn

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.

Bremerton

You may not shuck peanuts on the street.

Everett

It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

Lynden

Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.

Seattle

You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

Spokane

TV's may not be bought on Sundays.

Waldron Island

No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)

Wilbur

You may not ride an ugly horse.

#joke

A trucker who has been out on...

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick."

A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Paul F. Tompkins: Airline Security Drawings

As Im standing there, I see they have a little sign with pictures of things you are not allowed to bring on the plane anymore. And they have, like, little drawings: circle, line through it, No! One of the things you cant bring on the plane anymore is a bomb -- no, no, they had a picture, cant do it. And it was the classic cartoon bomb, like the bowling ball with the little sparky whip coming out of it. And then you might think, Oh, I got a way around that. Uh-uh, not so fast -- they also had a picture of the bundle of dynamite with the clock.

Women and Bad Weather

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.

The Lord Will Save Me!

It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"

Women are just as hungry as me

Women are just as hungry as men, according to fAminist theory.

There are three kinds of men...

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

When young, I decided to go to...

When young, I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who said SPINE are doctors today.
The rest of us went to flight school..

An important and very well pub...

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror, Dan, was called for his question session.
He was asked, "Property holder?"
Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."
Then he was asked, "Married or single?"
Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"
Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

One summer evening during a vi...

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."