A man was walking down the strA man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. "Give me all your money!"
He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?"
The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"
Why the Croutons
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
What does that one do?
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
The only cow in a small KentucThe only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people didsome research and found that they could buy a cow just across the stateline in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It producedlots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cowslike it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would moveaway. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away fromthe bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upsetand decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mountour cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she movesforward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attemptfrom the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buythis cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where theybought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you knowwe got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is fromIllinois."
Mommy Mommy 03
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Brian Posehn: Quitting MeatQuitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.
What a winning combination?
Miracle whipQ: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Subway PartyTwo small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?"
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"