Jokes of the day for Friday, 04 March 2022

Is it t

Is it true that those who polish their own wood never catch veneereal disease?

A cute little girl walks into

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

First Aid Cat

Why did the cat want to join the Red Cross?
He wanted to be a first aid kit!

I believe I'm a woman

MAN TO PSYCHIATRIST: "You have to help me, Doctor. I'm starting to believe I'm a woman."

PSYCHIATRIST "Why do you think that?"

MAN: "It was something my gynecologist said to me the other day."

Old flame...

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.

"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

One Sunday a pastor told the c...

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Good news and bad news

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."

HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."

HER "Well, the air bag works."

Frank always looked on the bri

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

One day the great philosopher...

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard aboutone of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you topass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what youare about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affairwith his wife.

The Sharkeisha super falcon pu...

The Sharkeisha super falcon punch is as close as anyone has ever gotten to the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

A woman goes to Spain to atten...

A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "A Spanish girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - a Spanish girl!!"
"Oh, that," she said "Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!"

On A Safari

Mr. and Mrs. Morrison were on a safari in Africa.
As they were walking through the jungle, a huge lion comes creeping out towards them, ready to pounce.
"Shoot!" Mrs. Morrison screamed to her husband. "Shoot!!"
"I can't!" he yelled back. "I'm all out of film!"

Oh, the Irony!

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Sex morality

The Dean of Women was introducing the newcomers to the college and thought fit to touch the subject of sex morality:

"In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

At the end of the lecture she asked if there were any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:

"Could you tell us how you make it last one hour?"...

Nine lives

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,

"How many times?".