Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 March 2022

The age of religious factional

The age of religious factionalism is not over. In the news these days, Snoop Dogg is responsible for the Great Shizzum.

The Truth About Pets

What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play?
A cat.

Once a man questioned his wife

Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me any fortune?"
"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... no matter who left you a fortune!" she replied softly.

Little voices

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.

He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."

Barber shop

President George Bush and President Barack Obama ended up at the barbershop at the same time.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had President Bush in his chair reached for the aftershave. President Bush was quick to stop him, saying: “No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to President Obama and said: “How about you, Mr. President?

Obama replied, “Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

Graduation Speech

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'

One Monday morning a mailman i...

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

What do you call a person that...

What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"

Taxes

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

The quickest way to a man's heart

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Roseanne Barr (November 3 1952-)

Picture: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Lightbulb Joke Collection 54

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.

Last year, when the power mowe...

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point.
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

Sometimes we need to forget

Sometimes we need to forget some people from our past because of one simple reason: They just don't belong to our future.

This Guy’s Got His Panhandling Strategy Sorted

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”