Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 May 2022

Thanks for the harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

Oysters On Half Shell

Customer in a waterfront restaurant: “Waiter, these are very small oysters!”
Waiter: “Yes sir, they are very small.”
Customer: “Also, they do not appear to be very fresh!”
Waiter with a resourceful response: “Then it’s lucky they’re small, ain’t it sir?”

Grandpa, Did God Make You?

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”

Sign in a UK shop window: r

Sign in a UK shop window: You Brexit EU bought it.

Happiest day of your life...

Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

How do you tell the front of a tree?

How do you tell the front of a tree?

When someone has a piss behind it.

Too Many

So once there was an Chinese man, A mexican, and an american all in the same plane.

Now the chinese man Takes a pair of chopstickes and throws them out of the window.

Then he claims "We have too many of those in my country!".

Then the mexican grabs his salsa, throws it out the window and says "We have to many of these in my country!".

Then the american picks up the mexican and throws him out of the window and claims "We have to many of these in my country!".

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Lesbian Diet

Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?

A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.

Contrary to popular belief, Am...

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Pig In A Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

My wife is an angel

My wife is an angel.

All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.

A man calls home to his wife a...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

A couple was making their firs...

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day

On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that — telling a joke. Find some great jokes here:

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction!

How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake

There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days

Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk."

Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG.

I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it.

I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that!

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!"

My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him!

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"