Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 01 June 2022

Some punk teenager with bad skin always eczema house.

#joke #short

I Sat On My Phone

I accidentally sat on my phone...
Siri suggested several local gyms.

The New Pastor in Town

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in. Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures. The old priest says, “Good, now, don’t you think that's a little better than slapping your knew and saying, ‘No way! You did what?'"

Two English butchers, who hate

Two English butchers, who hated each other, were doing business across the street from each other for ten years. For the full ten years they always competed for the other's business.
One butcher would put up a sign reading, "Sirloin: £2.50 a pound" and the other would put up a sign "Sirloin: £2 a pound." The first would put up a sign reading, "Whole pork loin: £1.85 a pound" and the second would, again, under-price him.
This went on for the full ten years; back and forth, back and forth. One day the first butcher got a bright idea. Instead of advertising his prices he placed a professionally painted sign reading, "The Queen buys all her meats here."
The next day another professionally painted sign appeared in the window of the butcher shop across the street which read, "God save the Queen."

Dining out...

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!'

'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that was my mistress.'

The wife says, 'That's it; I want a divorce.'

'I understand,' replies her husband, 'but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.'

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who's that woman with Jim? ' she asks.

'That's his mistress,' replies her husband.

'Ours is prettier,' says the wife.

What you watching that for?

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, ........"You watch porn!!."
Hat Tip: Thomas Ben

One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly."My darling," he whispered."Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice."There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

Charge By The Inch

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

When taking the SAT, write "Ch...

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Kids in Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Philip was enjoying the second...

Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
He ignored his wife Paula's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but Philip didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
Paula looked so stricken that he had to offer some consolation.
"That's OK, darling," Philip said. "You still have me."
Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "Yes, Philip," she wailed, "but you don't work either."

A young boy enters a barbersho...

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

A business man got on an eleva...

A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright ,"t-g-i-f"
He smiled at her and replied,"s-h-i-t"
She looked puzzled,and repeated,"t-g-i-f".
More slowly he answered,"s-h-i-t"
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,so,she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly,"t-g-i-f"
The man smiled back to her and once again"s-h-i-t".
The exasperated blonde decided to explain what "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness it`s friday",get it duuhhh?
The man answered"s-h-i-t" means "sorry honey it`s thursday."

Mud bath

An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.

"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."