Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 14 June 2022

Japanese goldfish act so Japanese goldfish act so koi.

#joke #short

Bury Me in Bloomingdales

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales."Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?""Then I'll be sure my daughters visit twice a week."-

Swallowed by a Whale

A sailor was swallowed by a whale and lived to tell the tale.
When asked by a reporter what the scariest part was he answered, "The graffiti... someone wrote 'Pinocchio was here.'"

A guy was standing glumly at t

A guy was standing glumly at the bar.
"What's up?" asked his friend.
"My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our love lives."
"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"
"Well, unfortunately 'Guess who I shagged last night?' didn't go down too well."

The hero

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?"

Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them "If I ever see you guys around this town again, I'll give you a real lesson in pain."

"Wow" says St. Peter, "I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?"

"Oh", says Joe, "about two minutes ago."

Check Up

So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like "you have GOT to stop masturbating!" and I was like "oh no Doc! Why?!?"

And he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"

Saddam Hussein was not found h...

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Kyle Kinane: Always a Miracle

Im in my 30s; everybodys having kids or miracles. Oh, its a miracle. Its always a miracle. Im like, You had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, thats exactly whats supposed to happen from that. I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is whats happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesnt get pregnant. Thats when I start getting spiritual.

No Wool Downstairs

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

Howard is 95 and lives in a se...

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

Boy Scout on the plane

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

Two cows....

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."

Don’t let anyone ever break your soul

Don’t let anyone ever break your soul. You have to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself. There are those that would give anything to see you fail, but you must never give them the satisfaction. Hold your head up high, smile and stand your own ground.

My wife and I went to the Coun...

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.