Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 28 June 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 28 June 2022 |
You got promoted from captain
You got promoted from captain to a higher rank? I bet that major day!An Imam's Sad Announcement
An imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from and moving to a drier climate. Afterwards, a very distraught lady came to the imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind-hearted imam said, "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The imam who takes my place might be even better than me.""Yeah," she replied, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "that's what the last imam said, too."-The Christmas gift...
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
Great News
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."
"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
50/50
A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.
The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."
The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"
The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
9 Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
An elderly couple was attendin...
An elderly couple was attending church services.About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silentlypassed gas - what do you think I should do?"
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
ChatGPT jokes
Two ChatGPT models were talking.
One says:
"Did you hear the one about the computer that could finish sentences?
The other replies:
"Yeah, but I already knew what it was going to say."
ChatGPT goes to a restaurant and orders alphabet soup.
The waiter asks:
"Why alphabet soup?"
ChatGPT replies:
"I'm just trying to improve my vocabulary!"
How many ChatGPTs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it will come up with 100 different ways to tell you how it's done.
The world needs more happiness
If you have the power to make someone happy, do it. The world needs more of that. Dane Cook: Dropping Your Phone in Your Own Piss
Im in a new club, by the way. And I dont know if youre first timers like I am, but Im in the I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. Im on the phone and I forget that Im using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as Im standing there, mid-conversation, Im like Are you serious? and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest. Coworker retired
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
Trouble Sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
A visitor to a college campus
A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.""Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?"
"Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."
