Jokes of the day for Sunday, 03 July 2022

Scotsmen are easily la

Scotsmen are easily lamb-pooned.

At school, a boy is told by a

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"

Totally Worn Out

Why is it that everyone is so worn out on April 01?
They have just endured a March of 31 days!

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”

Adam and Eve had it good

Q. Why were Adam and Eve the happiest couple that's ever lived?

A. Because they didn't have in-laws!

Tour Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."      

Can't touch this

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Nun Sees A Naked Man

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Boyfriend 4.0

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to

BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0

(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded

FIANCE 1.0 to

HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and

incompatible to

many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes

plug-ins such

as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS

although

market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary

and

unwanted.

The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by

leading

experts in the field and based upon years of research and

classroom

lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as

the HANDYMAN

FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the

OPTIONAL

COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER

GUZZLING and

CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be

found on FRATBOY

1.1

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:

- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so

I don't

have to repeat myself)

- MINIMIZE BUTTON

- SHUTDOWN FEATURE

- SHOPPING FUNCTION

- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex

- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION

- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users

- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it

won't come back

- A MONOGAMY FEATURE

- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're

about to say

ANYTHING even remotely stupid

How To Please a Woman

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story

hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are

without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it

works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you

find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to

decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends

laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short

and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends

continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here

are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,

knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are

tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in

when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering

what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This

floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a

woman."

Christopher Titus: Terror Alert Level

Osamas dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Cant I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

I have opinions...

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President
"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college."
- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner
"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul

A married couple was watching...

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…
My whole life has become a joke!

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill

I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.

I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!

The inventor of pantyhose...

“The inventor of pantyhose really left us quite a legacy.”