Jokes of the day for Thursday, 28 July 2022

Do Asian cannibals eat a lot o

Do Asian cannibals eat a lot of raw-men noodles?

Reading of the Will

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

Delia's Way
Delia's Way
Delia's Way: Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever... who eats it?
Delia's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for headaches - Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course.
Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Why do I have a man?
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine???

#joke

Trying to win a Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Two Elderly Gentlemen

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"    

Church Cake!

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Answering Machine Message 97

"Camptown Races":
I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...

How good was I?

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, "So, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

Bumper Stickers in Heaven

Honk if you ARE Jesus
Ask Me About My Previous Lives
I Brake For Celestial Choirs
I Died and Went To Heaven and All I Got Was This Lousy Halo

Michael Ian Black: Jewish Summer Camps

What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? Thats just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didnt want to be.

Gone Camping

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip. 

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. 

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. 

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. 

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" 

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" 

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want." 

So here I am.

When people walk away

When people walk away, let them. Your future is not about people who walk away, it's about people who stay in it for the ride.

Learning by example...

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

Cured!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"