Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 January 2023

Shipwrecked on an Island

Two men were shipwrecked near an island. When they landed ashore, one of them began screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"The second man leaned calmly against a palm tree. When the first man saw how calm his friend was, he went crazy and shouted, "Don't you understand?! We're going to die!! "Undisturbed, the second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week. "Dumbfounded, the first man looked at him and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!! "The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. Wherever I am, my pastor will be sure to find me!"

New Year's Resolution

This year I made my New Year's Resolution...
To finish everything I sta...

Six months to live...

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Talking Baby

A baby was born with the ability to talk.
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"
The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"

Don't question a judge&#

Don't question a judge's decision. It just is.

Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

An Apocalyptic One-Liner

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff,...

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Women and Men...

WOMEN

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

honest lawyer

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?"

asked his friend.

"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".

Never Lie to Your Mother

 Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

A native american hitchhiker and brown paper bag

A native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the Indian noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.

The city man replied:

"It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife".

The Indian looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said: "Good trade".

April Fool's Day Prank - Leave a gross...

Leave a gross (and fake) surprise for unsuspecting bathroom goers.

Biggest jerks

Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"

Overeating at a buffet is a...

Overeating at a buffet is an expansive proposition.