Jokes of the day for Monday, 30 January 2023

For delaying a shipment of pud

For delaying a shipment of pudding, I was thrown into a Siberian prison, aka the goo lag!

Christmas Present

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

Went Where

Teacher: "I have went. That's wrong isn't it?"
Little Johnny: "Yes ma'am."
Teacher: "Why is it wrong?"
Little Johnny: "Because you ain't went yet."

Old Mrs. Pierpoint

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.

"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.

"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

Your Wife Just Fell Out

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Little Johnny is taking a show...

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Christmas Present

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

A man went to his lawyer and t...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."

I Want To Buy A Golf Ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

Happiness is meeting an old friend

Happiness is meeting an old friend after a long time and feeling that nothing has changed.

Lengthy sermons...

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Tractor Salesman

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

It was horrible

A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.

However, little did Bob know that the plant manager was going to be a tough customer to please.

With a broad smile and a reassuring tone, Bob handed the plant manager a beautiful box of cigars as a gift, but the man barely gave it a sideways glance before he said,

"No cigars for me, thank you. I smoked one once, and it was horrible."

Bob is nothing if not prepared, so he offered to take the plant manager out for a few beers, but again the suggestion missed the mark.

"No alcohol for me, thank you. I drank it once, and it was horrible."

Not ready to give up just yet, Bob got a bright idea as he looked out the window and saw people playing golf.

"That's quite alright," he told the plant manager.

"How about you come and play a round of golf at my club as my personal guest?"

However, for the third time, Bob's luck struck out, as the plant manager replied,

"No golf for me, thank you. I played the sport once, and it was horrible.

" The plant manager had barely finished his sentence when a young man joined them at the table.

"Let me introduce my son, Jason,"

the plant manager said. Surprised, Bob gave the young man a quick once over before he replied,

"Let me guess, he is an only child?"

Feline Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

My Wedding Day

It was my wedding day, and no one was happier than my 78-year-old mother.
But as she approached the church doors, an usher asked, “Which side are you on?”
“Oh, no,” she said. “Are they fighting already?”