Jokes of the day for Sunday, 04 June 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 04 June 2023 |
Re-Marry My Ex-Wife
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife…
But she figured out I was only after my money!
The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".
Family of the Groom
At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."Stock market report...
Helium was up, feathers were down.Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
The Shopping Criminal
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Dan St. Germain: Too Lazy to Kill
I could never be a serial killer because Im way too lazy to follow a pattern. I used to murder women that look like Grandmother but now -- mostly delivery men. The sun sets from fear of Chuc...
The sun sets from fear of Chuck Norris.Sheng Wang: Man With a Comb Over
If you can show me a man with a comb over, I can show you a man who thinks that by crushing a bag of chips, you make more chips. Trivial Pursuit
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?
She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and 2 more short new jokes
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me
I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.
I told her it's ...
it is my last hope for a smoking hot body
I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just won't listen.
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable. Don't take life too seriously
Don't take life too seriously. You will not get out of it alive. Phone Issues
I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..."
Why do they have to announce that?
I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?
What happened?
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Alton towers and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
"By now, I was determined to read that sign, so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"
