Popular jokes (91 to 105)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Chinese takeaway
I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place, just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!
I thought what on Earth is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me.
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out from behind the prawn crackers.
I thought it’s got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peking Duck!
Image by piyalis14 from Pixabay
Joke found on https://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Phrases-and-Sayings/Jokes/Question1467998.html posted by Butterbun on Sun 10th Jan 2016, alternative versions exist on many other joke sites
I've Got One of Them
A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed. I’ve got one of them.”
“Which one?” asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”
A man boarded an airplane and...
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Caught Stealing Groceries
I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.
The Diving Board
A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
I Want To Become A Politician
"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.
His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."
"Good, you're halfway there then."
To make it stand, you wet it.
To make it stand, you wet it.To make it wet, you suck it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get It in, you push it.
Threading a needle of course, get your mind out of the the gutter!
Balloon Prank Fake Out
April Fool's Day is coming up, so you need to be prepared with an arsenal of hilarious pranks that you can play on friends, family members and bitter enemies. Spelling Lesson
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a 'K' in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
Ham Dinner
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.
"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
Problem Teacher
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A serious drinking problem."
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau.If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is itA) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct.You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Why is Dad's Hair White?
Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa’s hair is all white!
World Pasta Day day jokes
October 25 is World Pasta Day! Have some fun with pasta and pasta jokes!
A blonde walks into a library and she asked the librarian “Do you have pasta?”
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered “Miss, this is the library.”
The blonde whispers “Do you have pasta?”
Why couldn’t the pasta get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. So sad that he ran out of thyme.
Why did the man get fired from the pasta factory?
He made a fusilli mistakes.
Where did the spaghetti go to dance?
A meat ball!
Why did the pasta call up his friend?
He was feeling canneloni.
What kind of pasta can make all your wishes come true?
Fettugenie.
How come no one ever invites ravioli to a party?
He’s a little square.
Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because his car always ends up al dente.
Do you have any other pasta jokes?
I’ll give you a penne for your thoughts.
Some pasta puns
I’m such a hopeless ramen-tic.
Noodles are part of my daily rotini.
No need to be ravi-lonely, I’m here.
I’m crazy pho noodles!
I cannelloni do so much
Don’t make fusilli mistakes.
That is tortellini awesome!
Don’t judge me because udon know me
Come and spaghet it.
Spaghett out of my way!
You just spaghet-me!
The battle of spaghettisburg.
I walked right pasta and didn’t even notice!
Life is full of pasta-bilities.
Can you pasta sauce please?
This too shall pasta.
You mac me smile.
