This guy walks into the localThis guy walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work, as he steps up to the bar he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots, he had a frown on his face.
"What's with the long face Joe?" asked the guy.
Joe responds, "My wife told me today that she was only going to have sex with me on Mondays, and Thursdays!"
"Well," said the friend, "That's not that bad, some of us she has cut off completely."
Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Easter10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments." 9. You look really, really good in yellow. 8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad. 6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies. 5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed. 4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason. 3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play." 2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot. 1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?
Three Days After EasterFollowing the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
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A henpecked man got tired of hA henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief. After he came home she'd start right in on him again.
After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:30. His wife asked him how come he was home early. He told her, "You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house, I lost you to him in the card game tonight."
His wife became furious and started to give him hell. She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?"
He replied, "It was the hardest thing I ever done... I had to fold with four aces."
An older, white haired man wal...An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Fridayevening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for hisgirlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring andshowed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something veryspecial."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and broughtanother ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The younglady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, bycheck. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write itnow and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pickthe ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's nomoney in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
Little Johnny is in a class whLittle Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.
She aksked, "Alright, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Johnny said, "Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday."
12 Dad Jokes for National Tell A Joke Day
Monsters are not good at math.... Unless you Count Dracula.
19 had fight with 20 ... and 21
I would tell a joke about pzza, but its too cheesy
I gave away all my batteries today ... free of charge
I got a universal remote for Christmas ... well this changes everything
I had a joke about construction, but im still working on it
Did u get a haircut? No i cut them all out
Dracula doesnt have many friends because hese a pain in the neck.
I stayed up all night wondering where the Sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
What did the sushi say to the bumble bee? Wasabi
Mountain aren't just funny, their hill areas.
I asked dad for his best dad joke, he said you.