The best jokes (3031 to 3045)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 3031 to 3045. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Missing Puzzle Piece
My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.
Went Where
Teacher: "I have went. That's wrong isn't it?"
Little Johnny: "Yes ma'am."
Teacher: "Why is it wrong?"
Little Johnny: "Because you ain't went yet."
14 Dad Jokes to prepare for Father's Day
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day in some countries! Get your jokes ready on time!
Thought I saw my first ever real life super hero today.
He was running down our street wearing a cape...
Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut!
How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end!
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky!
My wife called me and said, "I've found a dead bee in the sink, what do I do?"
I said, "Get a spoon and flush it down the toilet."
A few minutes later she said,
"I've done that, but what about the bee?"
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.
We call ourselves On and On Anon.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike...
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did the zero say to the eight?
That belt looks good on you.
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They might crack up.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hi, bud!"
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
23 'What do you call' Jokes to start week with some laugh
1. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny
2. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic
3. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
4. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
5. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso!
6. What do you call a dinosaur with a bandage on?
Dino-sore.
7. What do you call an old snowman?
Water
8. What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Trouble
9. What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife
10. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
11. What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi!
12. What do you call a meditating wolf?
Aware wolf!
13. What do you call an American bee?
A USB!
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
15. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist
16. What do you call a destroyed angle?
A rect-angle!
17. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
18. What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy
19. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law!
20. What do you call a woman with her briefcase stuck in a tree?
A branch manager!
21. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!
22. What do you call a man wearing a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time!
23. What do you call your daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her home late?
An ambulance
Last Thing I Want To Do
I told my girlfriend, "The last thing I want to do is break up with you... I have about five things on my list before I get there."
Health or Wisdom
It is better to be healthy than wise...
Being sick costs you money, but you can be dumb for free.
It's Not For Everyone
What is tact?
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.
Actuary vs. Mafia
What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year.
A mafia actuary can name them.
Parrot Talk
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...
Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.
That wife of mine is a liar
That wife of mine is a liar said the angry husband to a sympathetic palseated next to him in the bar."How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'dbeen, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar...
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word.
The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves.
The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here."
The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?"
The bartender replies, "There's a bar across the road."
Putin dies and goes to hell
Putin dies and goes to hell. One day the devil allows him a day back on earth. Putin goes to a bar in Moscow. He ask the bartender"Is Crimea ours?"
"yes"
"Donbass?"
"Thats also ours"
"Kyiv?"
"Ours"
Putin is happy and prepares to go back to hell, he asks the barteneder
"How much do I owe you?"
"5 euros"
A woman meets a man in a bar . . .
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But, she doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says -- 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
