The best jokes (3031 to 3045)

AMAP For Salary

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put 'ASAP' down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put 'AMAP' down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"
The applicant replied, "As much as possible!"

 Gathering Chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Children's Home

Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.
Son: Why did you do that?
Father: So you will not be bored there.

A very dirty little fellow cam

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Rising unemployment rate

Q: What's the worst thing about the rising unemployment rate?
A: It's harder to screw your girlfriend when her husband's always home.

Stomach ache

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"

She then prepared a bowl of soup. Later that day the pastor and his wife came over for dinner.

The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said:

"That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"

Found on http://www.crochetnmore.com posted on May 15, 2005

Walk across the lake

At a family gathering, Fred's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather bragged that they had all been able to walk on water to the bar across the lake for their first legal drinks. So when Fred's 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the center of the lake, stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned. Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked kindly into Fred's eyes and said, "Because they were all born in January, and you were born in August."

Joke found on https://www.sysnative.com/ on Ongoing Joke Thread forum, posted on Jun 6, 2013 by DonnaB

Good bye, Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.

Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,

it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store,

the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"That can't be right... I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tearjerker. Don't trust little old ladies!

 Worries About A Risk

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

There were three g

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talkingabout the amount of control they have over their wives, while thethird guy remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well,what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wifecame to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!".

Red crayons

You might wonder why blonde nurses bring red crayons to work.

It's in case they have to draw blood.

A comment from reddit user - Ethyques:

Any crayon would work if it's sharp enough. Otherwise it would be pointless.

Piano tuner

A woman answered the front door to find a workman standing on the porch and carrying a box of tools.
"I'm the piano tuner ma'am" he announced.
"But I didn't send for a piano tuner."
"I know, but the neighbors did!"

The sheriff of the small town

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

“This year in the toy

“This year in the toy department, drones are a big hit. They are literally flying off the shelves.”

It Is Your Choice

I love bacon.
Sometimes I eat it twice a day.
It helps take my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.