The best jokes (1486 to 1500)

My Child

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

My Last Chance

"Why did you choose to be cremated?"
"Being cremated is my last chance to have a smoking hot body!"

Man vs Woman

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Glasses for Work

I came home from work last night exhausted. I said to my wife, "I need my glasses checked. I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death."
Perplexed, the wife asked, "What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?"
"I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time!"

Happy Horses

Why were the horses so happy?
Because they lived in a stable environment.

For three straight years a you

For three straight years a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn, once per year. During his last visit he'd finally managed to seduce the innkeeper's gorgeous daughter, so he couldn't wait to go there again.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about us and that I was pregnant, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

A Really Boring Person

You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

Two elderly folks in a nursing

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.
He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.
She told the doctor that she didn't care.
The doctor called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.
"I know!" he said. "I peeked."

Alarm Clock Hate

There are only two instances when people hate the alarm clock:
1) When it rings.
2) When it doesn’t ring.

I'm Still Wearing It

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask.
It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

My Mother-In-Law Is Coming

My mother-in-law is coming...
I had to clear out half my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.

Damn Parking Enforcement

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.

 

My car was parked around the corner...

After a day of fishing at a ne

After a day of fishing at a nearby island, Bob was on his way home. No sooner had he crossed the bridge to the mainland, that he saw a policeman following him with his lights flashing. Bob pulled over, like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" repeated Bob.
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Reading of the Will

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

Confucius Say...Part 2

Confucius Say: "Man who drive like hell bound to get there."Confucius Say: "Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."Confucius Say: "Women who put detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy!"Confucius Say: "Never argue with fool...he may be doing the same thing."Confucius Say: "Best time to buy new mattress, at first sign of spring."Confucius Say: "Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money."Confucius Say: "An old grave digger is called an Elderberry."Confucius Say: "People who have gift of gab, not know how to wrap it up."Confucius Say: "Time flies like arrow. Fruit flies like bananas."Confucius Say: "A man who sits on tack gets point and will surely rise."-