A guy is walking down a beach ...A guy is walking down a beach in Saudi Arabia and sees a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie.
The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but since I know you hate your mother-in-law I will give her twice as much.
The guy thought about it and said, " I wish for $10,000,000.
The genie said, "OK, but I have to give your mother-in-law $20,000,000. Poof, it was done. "What is your second wish?"
"I wish for 50 pounds of the worlds finest gems", says the guy.
"I shall grant your wish but I must give your mother-in-law 100 pounds of the worlds finest gems". Poof, it was done. "And your final wish would be???"
The guy thought about it and replied, "I wish you would beat me half to death".
Just like mom...
Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.
Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."
So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
Which soldiers smell of salt a...Which soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
What do you call ...
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.
Jim and Mary were both p...
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said: "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Why is a calendar so sad? Beca...Why is a calendar so sad? Because its days are numbered!
Calculate the number 2258
Purchasing The Shoes
A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. "No problem," says the mathematician, "there is a simple equation for that," and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, "What is that symbol?" "That is the Greek letter pi." "What is pi?" "That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle." Upon this the shoeseller cries out: "What does a circle have to do with shoes?!"
Rich is betterI've been rich and I've been poor... Believe me, rich is better!
Engineering In HellAn engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"