Jokes of the day for Friday, 10 July 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 10 July 2009
  • Currently 9.42/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (59)

There were four men, one from ...

There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.
One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, "my country is the best cause we have the great
wall."
The Greenlander said, "no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass."
The American said, "no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes."
The Australian said, "no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (8)

New Pet

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (32)

"Dick Cheney accidentally...

"Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78 year old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent." -- Jay Leno
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The answer....

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

School Collection 21


Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train!

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!

1st Roman Soldier: What is the time?
2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B+C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (5, 7, 13, 30, 32, 38, 55, 57, 63, 85, 89) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B+C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Bulb Trouble

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911.

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

Free of Charge

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, Bartender, how much do I owe you? The bartender replies, For you, neutron, no charge.
#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

How many bass players does it ...

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.70/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (10)

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.42/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (12)

A teenager comes home from sch...

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 April 2009
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (6)

Skip a Day

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 July 2008
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Safe Blonde

has does a blonde have safe sex?

She locks the car door.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 July 2008
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

Man walks into the Doctors off...

Man walks into the Doctors office.

"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.

The Man asks "How long do I have to live"

"Ten" replies the Doctor.

"What the hell does that mean" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 July 2008
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 July 2008
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

John's on a business trip with...

John's on a business trip with Bill, a co-worker that never shuts up. John keeps trying to catch a few winks on the plane but Bill keeps asking him to play a "game" with him. John finally realizes he's not gonna get Bill to shut up until he plays so he says, "Okay, what's the game?."

Bill says, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me 5 dollars, then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I give you 5 dollars back."

John says no and turns back over to get some sleep. Bill says he'll make it more interesting and up John's payback to 50 bucks in the event Bill doesn't know the answer. John agrees. Bill asks, "How far is the moon from the sun?." John just pulls out his wallet and hands Bill 5 bucks.

Bill says, "Okay, now it's your turn!." John thinks for a second and asks, "What has 3 legs going up one side of a hill and 4 legs coming down the other?." Bill is stumped. He checks his laptop computer, makes a few calls on the Air-Telephone then returns and hands John 50 bucks. John then rolls over to go back to sleep. Bill finally says, "I give up! What's the answer?." John just reaches into his wallet and hands Bill another five bucks.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 July 2008
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

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