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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Saturday, Dec the 19th 2009
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Jesus, The Terminator .. they both came back from the dead |
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Permalink | Source : Fail blog - Epic Fail Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments
Rating: 3.0/10 (5 votes cast) |
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Your kid has been kidnapped |
| A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put \$10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the \$10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 5.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter |
From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 6.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
| In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 3.3/10 (18 votes cast) |
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The Dentist |
Man goes to see dentist and asks "How much to pull two wisdom teeth?"
Dentist says "\$100.00."
Man says, "too much. Can't you do it for less?"
Dentist says "I can do it for \$50 if I cut out the novacaine."
Man says, "that's better but still too much. Can't we do it any cheaper?"
Dentist says, "I could let my trainee do it for \$20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful."
Man says, "That's great. Schedule my wife for next Tuesday." |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Little Angel?
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Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?â€
“He came from heaven, Johnny.â€
“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
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Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 5.2/10 (16 votes cast) |
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Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 7.3/10 (7 votes cast) |
A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.â€
“Sorry, ma’am,†said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!â€
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
| Why should you never add seasoning to Ethiopian food? |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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A Hundred Dollar a Night |
The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"
"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously screwed. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was screwed. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
"My God," she whispered in the dark, "you are virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door taking tickets " |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 6.8/10 (5 votes cast) |
Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?" |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 4.8/10 (16 votes cast) |
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Retarded Grandparents |
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
Ret
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it...with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 4.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Blondes to the Moon #joke |
At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to the Moon.
The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to Mars".
The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people to go to the Sun".
One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll burn up?"
The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 5.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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