A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"God said it, I believe it, that settles it!"
Six Kids on a planeA man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned Over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Funny video of the day - Football in Japan - 100 against 11
I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows “Private Caller” my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.
One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say, “Please stay on the line for an important message.” They actually expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before getting around to selling you something.
The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice, “Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next available representative will be with you shortly.” I let the music play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.
Finally I turned off the music and said, “Hello?”
“Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?”
“Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids, I've got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so the heartburn will be coming on soon.”
“I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some of our exciting travel packages that …”
I interrupted her, “You don't really care about how I'm doing, do you?”
“Why, sure I do?”
“You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?”
“Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and tell them about our travel packages.”
“You can use my phone. Come on over.”
“I'm afraid I can't do that.”
“You don't like me do you?”
“Of course I like you sir.”
“So why won't you come over?”
“Well, I'm working.”
“I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little fatback if you'd like.”
“Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check on that.”
“Okay, how about tomorrow then?”
“I can't. I'm working.”
“How about the day after tomorrow then?”
“Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people I call.”
“Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?”
“That's just a courtesy.”
“You don't like me do you?”
“Yes sir. I like you just fine.”
“So … You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?”
I didn't want to walk in...I didn't want to walk in the woods. But I was forest.
An Antartian was running back ...An Antartian was running back and forth from his computer and his mailbox. Then the mailman came up to him and asked him what he was doing. He replied, "My dumb computer keeps saying 'you've got mail'."
What a winning combination?
Once upon a time the governmen...Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Maine Crazy Law
To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.
Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
Priests uniformA priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.
One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him.
On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
Nick Kroll: Same PerfumeMy mother and my girlfriend are wearing the same perfume, which is weird because, all of a sudden, Im attracted to my girlfriend.
The Perfect Man
The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
Uses of VaselineJoe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis, yisman and Calamjo
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
The penny scale...
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"
Man's wife asks him to go to t...Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with he
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
You Might Be A Redneck If 12
You might be a redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.