Jokes of the day for Thursday, 14 June 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 14 June 2012
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (62)

Funny jokes-Inebriated judge

An inebriated judge returned to court after a long lunch. In the first case, a man is charged with drunk driving who pleaded not guilty. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge said, "In that case, you are sentenced to 45 days."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (7)

Little Johnny returns from sch...

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6.'"
"But that's right!" The father replied.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father.
"That's what I said!"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (10)

Funny video of the day - The Ultimate Runway Model Fails Compilation

The Ultimate Runway Model Fails Compilation - Can not walk in heels, get off of the runway - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (4)

Thirsty

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.

As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."

So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Vaseline uses

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.22/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (9)

Funny Photo of the day - Failbook: How to Give a F**k

Failbook: How to Give a F**k | Source : Fail blog - Epic Fail Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

What Men Call their Women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means…..

Darling — Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear — Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart — If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe — Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll — This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess — Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.

Sexy — Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend — He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!

The wife — If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half — You complete the set – he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus — See The Wife.

My partner — He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other — He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed — He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (19)

Chuck Norris is currently suin...

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 September 2011
  • Currently 4.07/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (29)

Chess Knight Move

Find the title of novel, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is A. Length of words in solution: 9.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts Curriculum

Heres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust.
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (32)

A sister and brother are talki...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 November 2009
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (52)

Letters from Little Girls to God

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy.
Joyce
Dear God,
My father told me about being born, but that doesn't sound right. He was kidding, right?
Marsha
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
Dear God,
Did you really mean, "Do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
Darla
Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna
Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of the people in the whole world. There are only four people in our whole family and I can never do it.
Nan
Dear God,
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Love,
Denise
Dear God,
In Bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Jane
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and my father was mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 September 2009
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (12)

Saddam Hussein was not found h...

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 June 2011
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (35)

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 June 2009
  • Currently 3.74/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (31)

Stopped for speeding

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place . . . The man says, 'What's the problem, Officer?'

Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 55-zone.'

Man: 'No Sir, I was going 65.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you were going 80.' (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.'

Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.' (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.'

Man: 'Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.'

The man turns to his wife and yells, 'SHUT YOUR MOUTH!'

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?'

The wife says, 'No, only when he's been drinking!!!'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 June 2009
  • Currently 6.82/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (28)

Dan Mintz: Science Project With Dad

When I was eight years old, I had to do a science project, but my dad just did it for me. I didnt contribute at all. I think the teacher kind of figured it out when the project was called, Is My Wife Cheating on Me?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 June 2011
  • Currently 5.04/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (23)

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