Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 12 March 2013
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 12 March 2013|
Childless Smokey the Bear
Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?
A: Every time his wife got hot, he stamped her out.
Short funny jokes-First people in North AmericaHow do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
Funny video of the day - Spin Bowling Win
“How does the earth g...
“How does the earth get clean? It takes a meteor shower!”
Play a Game
One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it.
The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees."
A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.
Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook!
The teacher said correct.
Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?"
The teacher said yes.
He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it."
The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!"
Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"
School Collection 08
A math joke
If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
None, they were all copycats!
A history joke
What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate?
The registration of the car that ran him over!
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
A history joke
Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one!
A math joke
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!
Snail visits barThe landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell.
He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord.
The snail replies that he wants a drink.
"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".
The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.
..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord.
"What did you do that for" says the snail.
Calculate the number 2254
A family was having dinner and...A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the
holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the
side of the plate.
A baby is just born. It has all of its parts and looks quite normal. The only problem is, the baby is laughing. Not just laughing, but laughing hysterically. The doctors and nurses examine the little tyke, from top to bottom and from front to back in front of the worried parents. With his tiny fists clenched and tears rolling down his face, the baby just continues to laugh. One by one the pediatrician unfolds the tiny fingers checking to see if the baby's hands are all right. As they open the baby's hand, to their surprise what do they see, but a birth control pill!
A Silent Bomb in Church
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member eyesoftheworld
Match Made in Heaven
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
Paul Varghese: Knock Knock JokeMy friends a Jehovahs Witness. He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
Where are we?
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
Natural talentsI have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
I Get No Respect 04
"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."