Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 22 May 2013
  • Currently 9.68/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (76)

A good wife

Martin and Tina were married for some time. Lately Martin was in two minds whether Tina was a good wife to him. One day Martin took his donkey to a field near his house to get some work done. After a while he saw Tina come towards them with food for him, fodder for the animal and water for both of them. That instant he decided that Tina was a good woman after all.
But when Tina was feeding the donkey, the animal kicked her in the head killing her instantly. Martin was sorry. At the funeral his friend Dean saw some women looking at Tina and then at Martin. Martin moved his head up and down. Dean next observed some men look at the donkey and then at Marin who shook his head side by side.
Later Dean asked Martin what it was all about. Martin said: “Women looked at me to confirm Tina was a good wife, I said ‘yes'. Next men looked at me, which meant if the donkey was for sale, I said ‘No.'”
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

“The exhibitionist we...

“The exhibitionist went to the store because he heard they were having a flash sale.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (9)

Funny video of the day - Josh Turnbull - Sign this toddler Up!

Josh Turnbull - Sign this toddler Up! - Josh Turnbull making a brilliant run and slotting away a beautiful goal in front of Matthew Harding - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Partial disability

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" the interviewer asks.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responds the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

2006 - Eli - interviewing at desk - (by Eli) 163193843_7d2d203184_o

"Everyone else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

#joke #monday
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (11)

Q: If a one L-ama is a Tibet m...

Q: If a one L-ama is a Tibet monk (Lama)
And a two L-ama is a South American pack animal? Llama?
What is a three L-ama?
A: A really big fire.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Toaster car is following banana car

Toaster car is following banana car - What? Where? Why? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (6)

Drink Too Much Coffee

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  2. You ski uphill.
  3. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  4. You speed walk in your sleep.
  5. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
  6. You answer the door before people knock.
  7. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  8. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
  9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  10. You sleep with your eyes open.
  11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  12. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  14. You lick your coffeepot clean.
  15. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
  16. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
  17. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  19. You chew on other people's fingernails.
  20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  21. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
  22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
  24. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  25. Cocaine is a downer.
  26. All your kids are named "Joe."
  27. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
  28. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  29. You don't sweat, you percolate.
  30. You buy milk by the barrel.
  31. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  35. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  36. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  37. People get dizzy just watching you.
  38. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
  39. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  40. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  43. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
  44. People can test their batteries in your ears.
  45. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  46. Instant coffee takes too long.
  47. You channel surf faster without a remote.
  48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
  49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
  50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
  51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
  52. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
  53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  54. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
  55. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
  56. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
  57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
  58. Your Thermos is on wheels.
  59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  62. You short out motion detectors.
  63. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
  64. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  66. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
  67. You don't tan, you roast.
  68. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
  69. Your three favorite things in life before and coffee after.
  70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
  71. You can't even remember your second cup.
  72. You help your dog chase its tail.
  73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  75. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  76. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
  77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Anti-men Jokes (Ladies Enjoy)

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've

wanted to make love to you really badly. She

said - Well, you succeeded.

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Chess Knight Move

Find the country and its capital city, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is E. Length of words in solution: 2,8,3,8.
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Her husband had been slipping ...

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (49)

Blonde Arrow

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.41/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (41)

The original title for Alien v...

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 May 2011
  • Currently 2.71/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (14)

A Puzzle for Darwin

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 April 2009
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (70)

Horse Tears

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.

"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?"

the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 May 2011
  • Currently 5.09/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (53)

The Bored Man

There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"
"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."
His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"
He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"
He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.
His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'
But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.
So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in St. Peter's Square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.
Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"
"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 May 2011
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (40)

Rabbi in the Catholic Hospital

Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 May 2009
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (40)

Mike Birbiglia: Crying Over a Book

I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying. So, I leaned over -- I go, You dont know how to read, either?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 22 May 2012
  • Currently 5.21/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (33)

Who Would Steal?

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"
The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 May 2011
  • Currently 5.97/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (30)

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