Welcome AboardA pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."
Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his co-pilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I'm gonna shag the brains outta that new blonde flight attendant."
His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant heard this and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.
An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax honey, he's gotta take a shit first."
“Back in the days whe...
“Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?”
Funny video of the day - The best DJ
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don't know, he said.
She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
Dan says, "What kind of women wear clothes that expose?"
Aaron, finishing his drink, replied, "Those who do not trust the imaginative creativity of men!"
A grizzled old man was eating ...A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
The blind salesman...
A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.
A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"
"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."
The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.
He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."
Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.
"Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."
Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.
As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.
Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"
"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."
MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A+B+C
New Way To Herd Cattle
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Wednesday, October 21, 1992
A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in July that he herds cattle by outfitting them with pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from his portable phone.
After a week of training, the cows associate the beeping with eating and hustle up for grub.
Why did the tomato blush?Because he saw the salad dressing!
A grasshopper walks into a bar...A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
Two Men Camping
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
The DentistThe dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
Mike Vecchione: Gun Is Like a PenisHaving a gun, lets face it guys, is a lot like having a penis, I think. You got to keep it concealed. And if you wave it in a womans face, chances are shell call the cops.
Gather at the riverA southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"